Before I Turn 30

Guess who had a birthday last month? That’s right, it was this woman. 24. I have many mixed feelings about this, and I will talk about them in a future post because it’s an aspect of chronic illness that people don’t often acknowledge. But that is not the purpose of my Just 10 Things posts. Today, in honour of my birthday and my need to have some sort of direction amidst my slowed down life, I have decided to share 10 things I would like to have done before I turn 30. Six years is plenty of time, yeah?!

Visit Korea

This is going to come a shock to followers of my blog (ha! I’m funny), but I really love kdramas and kpop. As a result, I have a growing interest in the language, culture and country of Korea. I have already started learning the language. It’s beautiful, and complicated and brain fog makes everything harder, but it’s happening. Slowly. What I would really love to do though is visit, and spend some time exploring the country and immersing myself in the culture. I have already started working towards this goal, and have incredibly tentative plans to go sometime in 2022. Finances and health permitting.

Publish my first novel

Publishing my first collection of poetry last year was a dream come true. But the oldest, longest lived dream is to publish a novel. I have a couple of projects on the go. One is resting before I tackle rewrites, the other is in the early stage of first drafting. Who knows which I’ll be able to get out first. But six years ought to be enough time, right?

Go skydiving

I’ve been indoor skydiving, but that’s not really the same thing, is it? I wanna jump out of a plane!

Weekend away with my friends

Where did those movies and TV shows get the idea that it was easy to go away for a weekend with your adult friends?? Between marriages, kids and moving interstate, I haven’t been able to go away with my closest friends for a weekend of games, food and pampering since, well, schoolies. Also known as the end of high school. This is something I would love to do before I turn 30. Even if it ends up being, “Hey! I’m turning 30. Let’s celebrate by spending a couple of days together somewhere without husbands/kids/work.” Ha.

Design my own home

Let’s be honest, actually getting to build my own home is extremely unlikely. But in the event that I do end up in the position to be able to do that, my dream is a to build a simple home that is also ecologically sustainable. So, over the next few years, I want to be studying sustainable design and architecture, and creating some basic plans for a home that fits with my needs and values.

Transition wardrobe from fast fashion to thrifted or self-made

Yeah, I really want to be more ecologically conscious in my life, and phasing out fast fashion is something I can do with relative ease. So, I’m going to start. I’ve been learning to sew, I’ve been learning more about fashion, historical dress and my personal style has been evolving. All of this is working together to make now a good time to start introducing pieces I’ve made or thrifted (op-shopped, Aussie friends) into my wardrobe. As with the home thing, I really want the clothes I wear to reflect my needs, interests and values.

Take up gardening

This again fits with the desire to have a more ecologically conscious lifestyle. Also, over the summer, I was able to use vegetables grown in my mum’s garden in my cooking and let me tell you, it felt amazing to be able track every step of the process. Fresh, home grown food for the win. This is, in some ways, one of the more challenging goals on this list. Gardening requires a certain level of energy and engagement that I may not (definitely won’t) have consistently. CFS for the win.

But I want to try.

Try pole dancing

Pole dancing fascinates me, and I really want to try it at least once in my life. I can’t imagine myself being able to pole dance regularly, because, again, CFS, and it’s a really high energy sport, but you have to try the things that intrigue you at least once, right?

Take up beekeeping

This will be dependent on a lot of factors external to myself, but I have grown to love bees and would love to keep a hive. I doubt I’ll be able to keep honeybees as long as I share a living space with my allergic mother, but the bee native to Australia is stingless. Maybe she can be talked into it? We’ll see.

Climb the Sydney Harbour Bridge

I’m pretty sure this was on my “Before Year’s End” list, but it didn’t happen. So, here’s a little bit of insight into life with CFS: it’s all about goal revision. Yeah, people talk about goal setting, but really, with CFS, there is no way of controlling whether or not you’re going to be up to achieving something. So, expectation management and goal revision is the order of the day. I’ve decided that instead of giving myself a few months to do this, I should give myself a few years. Hopefully it’ll happen.

What I'm Grateful for in 2019

I’m going to keep this short and sweet, but I wanted to share 10 things I have been grateful for this year.

  1. My friends.

    I am so glad that I have been able to spend time with them, celebrating the great things that have happened and supporting each other through the difficult things.

  2. My closest friend’s baby

    I won’t share any details in such a public place, but he is gorgeous and always brings a smile to my face.I love you so much, little one.

  3. Picking up new hobbies

    I have particularly enjoyed by baby steps into sewing, painting and gardening. I look forward to developing them more going forward. I have also been grateful for the opportunity to continue practicing old hobbies, including cooking, baking and crocheting.

  4. Nail polish

    It’s all so colourful and fun, and I love having something beautiful on me at all times. It’s a simple thing, but it’s really important to me.

  5. Studio Ghibli

    I only started getting into Studio Ghibli movies this time last year, and I have fallen in love with them. They are so comforting and cosy, and I love curling up with them and a cup of tea or hot chocolate.

  6. Publishing “Amidst The Ash”

    Honestly, publishing a book has been a huge step for me. And was the fulfillment of a lifelong dream. I have a long way to go on my writing journey, and it can be easy to get discouraged, but I am very grateful I was able to publish this book. I am also very grateful for all the support I have received in this endeavour.

  7. Finding new authors to love

    I love, love, love books. And finding new (or new to me) authors whose work I love is so exciting to me. Plus, if there’s one thing I’m not short on, it’s time. And good books are always welcome.

  8. Getting to spend time with family

    Both my sisters moved out of home this year, which has meant that spending time with them has been a special treat. We also had a number of family events happen, which were wonderful opportunities to catch up with aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents. I have particular enjoyed getting to know my newest aunt as she has come to visit with my uncle a number of times this year.

  9. Blogging

    As challenging as it can sometimes be to get blog posts written and published on time, I am so graetful that I have been able to get back into blogging and that I have been able to maintain a somewhat regular publishing schedule. I am looking forward to this next month off, but will also be glad to get back into it in February. I have exciting ideas I am looking forward to exploring. I am also very grateful for you, dear reader. Thank you for your support of this blog and of me.

  10. The fact that I am still alive

    Yeah, probably not something most people think about much, but with two of my dearest friends’ mourning the loss of loved ones, the tragedy of the bushfires around Australia and my own chronic mental and physical health issues, I am reminded both of how precious life is, and how amazing it is to still be alive. I may not always want to be alive, but I am grateful for this gift that has been given to me. I try not to take it for granted.

And with that, I close out 2019.

See you all in 2020.

Laura Dee

An Update: Christmas, New Years and Plans for 2020

I’m going to keep this brief. Mostly, because I am fatigued.

Christmas has been hard, and as well as struggling with the fatigue, I feel defeated and discouraged. All I wanted was to enjoy a few days with my family, celebrating the birth of Jesus, eating good food and playing some games. And, whilst I did get to enjoy some time with extended family on Christmas day, I ended it slumped on the floor of my aunt’s house unable to move. It has been four days, and I am still recovering.

When I started this blog, I penciled in January and July as months off, but hoped it wouldn’t be necessary. The amount of strain my body has been under and the ways my CFS and anxiety have all been affected over the last few weeks has convinced me that I do need the time off.

So, here is the plan: I will publish one more post on the 31st to round out my year, and then will take January to focus on rest and recuperation.

Anyway, I hope you all get good rest and enjoy your holidays.

See you all in February.

From the Archives: The Importance of Self Care

Another week of PEM and flaring CFS meant I was not able to write a new post. So I have, once again, reached back into the archives of my old blog and pulled out this post to share with you. Hopefully I’ll be well enough to resume my normal publishing schedule soon. Sadly, the unpredictability of my condition means I can’t make any promises. See you on Friday, I hope.

I haven't been sure what my next blog post would be on. Hence the longer silence. I've toyed around with a few ideas and have a few things in the works. Really though, I just need to be able to sit down and work out a plan for how I'm going to manage the blog so that I can be writing and posting regularly without overloading myself. But, that's for another time.

Right now, though, I wanted to talk about something that had been on my mind a lot. Something that I think Christians can be particularly bad at. And what is that? Self care.

I mean, there are fairly obvious reasons why this has been on my mind. My entire life is currently a process of figuring out how I can effectively look after myself, so that just living is not an exhausting endeavour. And, as a Christian raised to believe that if I'm not serving, if I'm not being active for God one way or another, then something is wrong. I have chaffed against my body; bawled my eyes out over having to pull out of a commitment last minute; and collapsed in bed after leaving a wedding early, heart aching over my physical weakness and mental exhaustion.

And it's odd. The more aware of it I'm forced to be in my own life, the more aware of it I am in the things other people say.

"Oh, I don't want to take time off, it doesn't show a good work ethic." But you're sick?

"I'm so tired and so stressed but I can't pull out of anything. It's all good stuff, God stuff." Sure, but so is rest. Like, it was one of the ten commandments. Heck, God rested Himself after creating the world. So, maybe, just maybe, taking the rest you need is also a God thing? Just throwing it out there.

Now, I'm trying to keep this short, so I'll finished with a little letter direct to anyone and everyone reading this who feels tired, is stressed, struggles to live life with chronic illness or in any other way needs to be encouraged today:

You, my dear, are oh so precious. You were carefully, lovingly made by the Creator of all things. He walked this earth and shed His blood so that He might rescue you: that's how precious you are to Him. He loves you. He knows you. He understands you. Trust in Him and rest in the knowledge that He had got this.

And, dear one, so feels exhausted and weak, here's something I'm learning: as long as we remain faithfully putting one foot  front of the other, trusting in God for your daily bread, you are serving Him. You are serving others. You are showing that He is trustworthy. You are encouraging others to trust in Him.

And to finish, I'll share this wonderfully encouraging thing a friend shared with me yesterday: God created our bodies, our minds, our emotions, our souls. As with all the rest of Creation, they are not our own to do with as we please. They are God's and we are merely stewards. Therefore, it is our job to look after them, to tend to them they need tending to. To give ourselves both the work and the rest they require. There is no shame in being ill or exhausted or stressed. There is no shame of taking care of ourselves. To do so is to take part the job God had given to all of humanity: the care for His Creation.

2020 Reading List

Of course, my reading in 2020 will not be limited to these ten books, but these are ten books that I definitely want to make sure that I read next year. I initially planned to include a book from 10 different genres, but that quickly fell apart. Mostly because there were a number of memoirs I really want to read, three ended up being included here. What I have ended up with, instead, is a collection of memoirs, novels, poetry and essays.

Sister Outsider.jpg

Sister Outsider: Essays and Speeches

Audre Lorde

This book has been on my reading list since it showed up on Emma Watson’s book club Our Shared Shelf. I am wanting to learn more about the lives of black women and their perspectives on the world, and this collection of essays and speeches by a black woman seems to be an excellent place to keep doing that. Of course, I am reading novels and autobiographies as well - Toni Morrison’s Beloved, Maya Angelou’s I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings, and Angie Thomas’s The Hate U Give have been influential, but I want to expand my horizons as much as I can.

the witch doesn't burn in this one.jpg

the witch doesn’t burn in this one

Amanda Lovelace

I’ve mentioned a few times now, in a few different places, that Amanda Lovelace is one of my favourite poets. So, of course this follow up collection to the princess saves herself in this one had to be on my list for reading next year!

Becoming.jpg

Becoming

Michelle Obama

I have a great deal of admiration and respect for the Obamas, and this memoir of Michelle Obama’s was added to my reading list the moment it was released. Sadly, my local library does not seem to have it, so maybe if I make a public commitment to reading it next year, I’ll finally be able to convince myself to spend the money to buy it.

The Beekeeper of Aleppo.jpg

The Beekeeper of Aleppo

Christy Lefteri

This novel dovetails so nicely with my interest in bees and my love for the Arab world, that of course I won’t to read it. Rather desperately, too. But then, that’s true of all the books on this list.

the life-changing magic of tidying up.jpg

The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up

Marie Kondo

Don’t tell anyone, but I haven’t actually watched Tidying Up with Marie Kondo. I do want to, but I want to read her book first. Call me weird and old fashioned. Also, it’s easier to refer back to tips given in book format than in TV show format. So, this one goes on the list.

The Secret Diary of Lizzie Bennet.jpg

The Secret Diary of Lizzie Bennet

Bernie Su and Kate Rorick

It’s no secret that I love Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice. What may be less well known is that one of my favourite adaptations of the novel is the webseries The Lizzie Bennet Diaries. This novel is a companion to that series, and actually includes the complete adaptation of The Letter - something that was never fully revealed in the show. So, yes, as far as I am concerned, this is a must read.

Reading Lolita in Tehran.jpg

Reading Lolita in Tehran

Azar Nafisi

True story? Strong women? Books? Sign me up!

Dog Songs.jpg

Dog Songs

Mary Oliver

I will forever be devastated that I did not find out about Mary Oliver and her poetry until after she had died. Since then, however, I have fallen in love with her poetry and am keen to get my hands on this collection. Also, this dog is gorgeous.

No Friend but the Mountains.jpg

No Friend but the Mountains

Behrouz Boochani

Another one that I’ve been wanting to read since it came out. So. Much. Even if I am kind of mad that even though Behrouz Boochani won awards for this memoir, nothing has actually changed with regards to Australia’s policies to asylum seekers.

Brideshead Revisited.jpg

Brideshead Revisited

Evelyn Waugh

I’ll be honest, I don’t actually know much about this novel, but I have heard it is wonderful and it intrigues me. So, here it is. The 10th book on this list.

Over to You

Have you read any of these books? What books are on your list to be read next year? Let me know in the comments below!





Can I be Honest? Life Post Book Release

This was written a couple of weeks ago. I didn’t want to change it before posting as the emotions and fears are still very real, if less overwhelming. I am genuinely so happy and excited that I have achieved a dream in publishing a collection of my poetry, and I am focusing in on writing some other things - I actually have a short story in the works that I am so excited about! And I plan to involve myself with NaNoWriMo this year. Although, for my health, my goal is to write the 50,000 words over October and November.

Still, I wanted to share this post as is, because I feel like this is a part of publishing that is not often talked about - the scary, vulnerable side of it. People usually just talk about the excitement and the happiness, but I’m finding that isn’t the full picture. And I have always been committed to being as open and honest as possible.

I kind of don’t want to write this, but that’s only because I am planning to be terrifyingly open. And that’s really scary.

A question people have been asking me is: what is it like to be a published author?

And, I’ve been giving an honest answer, but it’s only one part of the answer: it’s exciting.

And it is.

But the truth is, it is also incredibly vulnerable and proportionately scary.

As I am writing this, it has been a month and a half since my book was released. By the time this post comes out, it will have been two full months. So maybe some things will have changed. If so, I’ll let you know.

Right now, though, I’m sitting with the uncertainty of not knowing what the people who are reading this book think of it. And that’s scary, because my poetry is intensely personal.

I should say, I have heard from a couple of my readers, and their messages were so treasured and appreciated. Thank you so much, those of you who have contacted me. Your words have been encouraging.

I am also finding that there is so much marketing to do, and that, quite frankly, is overwhelming. Asking people to buy my work is also far more vulnerable than I anticipated, and I am really, really struggling with it. I have no idea what I am doing, or who I can ask for advice and help. Basically, it’s overwhelming, exhausting and headache inducing.

Boy, do I wish this came as easily to me as the writing. It doesn’t though, and I have to be ok with leaning into that and living with it.

I am also struggling with feelings of shame. Shame that I’m not just feeling happy and grateful I was able to publish a book.

Please don’t get me wrong, I am, but I am also feeling all the other things I’ve mentioned here. And I’m feeling shame because of it. But then, as Dr. Brené Brown says: shame is a knee-jerk reaction to feeling vulnerable. And boy do I feel vulnerable.

I also have to remind myself that this is just the beginning. I am still learning. I am still young. One day I’ll have a better understanding of how this all works and how to manage my vulnerabilities and fears.

The truth is, right now, I feel like I’m living in a free fall, with no idea of where the ground is. I know I’ll survive the landing, I know I’ll be able to get back up again.

For now, though, it is hard, and I am struggling.

Beautiful Things I Saw This Week

I have had a rather difficult week with my CF flaring, my depression making itself known, and my anxiety kicking me around. Basically, I have not had the brain space for much writing. At least, not shareable writing.

Fortunately, I have been taking photos of things I have found cute or beautiful, so I could share 10 of those and we can still have a post today! Also, next week’s post is already written, so I have time to get back on track with my writing and uploading.

I hope you’ve all had better weeks than me.

70496510_693795707754626_2928217898214227968_n.jpg
69975849_694260621049441_3831011189085700096_n.jpg
69901053_508297836570811_250735955902726144_n.jpg