This was written a couple of weeks ago. I didn’t want to change it before posting as the emotions and fears are still very real, if less overwhelming. I am genuinely so happy and excited that I have achieved a dream in publishing a collection of my poetry, and I am focusing in on writing some other things - I actually have a short story in the works that I am so excited about! And I plan to involve myself with NaNoWriMo this year. Although, for my health, my goal is to write the 50,000 words over October and November.

Still, I wanted to share this post as is, because I feel like this is a part of publishing that is not often talked about - the scary, vulnerable side of it. People usually just talk about the excitement and the happiness, but I’m finding that isn’t the full picture. And I have always been committed to being as open and honest as possible.

I kind of don’t want to write this, but that’s only because I am planning to be terrifyingly open. And that’s really scary.

A question people have been asking me is: what is it like to be a published author?

And, I’ve been giving an honest answer, but it’s only one part of the answer: it’s exciting.

And it is.

But the truth is, it is also incredibly vulnerable and proportionately scary.

As I am writing this, it has been a month and a half since my book was released. By the time this post comes out, it will have been two full months. So maybe some things will have changed. If so, I’ll let you know.

Right now, though, I’m sitting with the uncertainty of not knowing what the people who are reading this book think of it. And that’s scary, because my poetry is intensely personal.

I should say, I have heard from a couple of my readers, and their messages were so treasured and appreciated. Thank you so much, those of you who have contacted me. Your words have been encouraging.

I am also finding that there is so much marketing to do, and that, quite frankly, is overwhelming. Asking people to buy my work is also far more vulnerable than I anticipated, and I am really, really struggling with it. I have no idea what I am doing, or who I can ask for advice and help. Basically, it’s overwhelming, exhausting and headache inducing.

Boy, do I wish this came as easily to me as the writing. It doesn’t though, and I have to be ok with leaning into that and living with it.

I am also struggling with feelings of shame. Shame that I’m not just feeling happy and grateful I was able to publish a book.

Please don’t get me wrong, I am, but I am also feeling all the other things I’ve mentioned here. And I’m feeling shame because of it. But then, as Dr. Brené Brown says: shame is a knee-jerk reaction to feeling vulnerable. And boy do I feel vulnerable.

I also have to remind myself that this is just the beginning. I am still learning. I am still young. One day I’ll have a better understanding of how this all works and how to manage my vulnerabilities and fears.

The truth is, right now, I feel like I’m living in a free fall, with no idea of where the ground is. I know I’ll survive the landing, I know I’ll be able to get back up again.

For now, though, it is hard, and I am struggling.