From the Archives: There Once Was a Rabbit...

This article was originally published at Tea With Laura Dee on September 4th, 2016. At the time, I had not yet been diagnosed with anxiety or depression, and the sickness I refer to was what eventually developed into my ongoing CFS. I have come a long way since then, but The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane by Kate DiCamillo continues to be one of my favourite stories. So, as this current CFS flare and the accompanying dip in my mental health prevented me from reading a book and reviewing it for this month, I decided to pull this post out of my archives and share it with you, just as I pulled the book off of my shelf and curled up with it a week or two ago.

xox
Laura Dee

"I don't care if anyone comes for me," said Edward.

"But that's dreadful," said the old doll. "There's no point in going on if you feel that way. No point at all. You must be filled with expectancy. You must be awash in hope. You must wonder who will love you, whom you will love next."

"I am done being loved," Edward told her. "I am done with loving. It's too painful."

"Pish!" said the old doll. "Where is your courage?"

"Somewhere else, I guess," said Edward.

"You disappoint me," she said. "You disappoint me greatly. If you have no intention of loving or being loved, then the whole journey is pointless." 

- Kate DiCamillo

Isn't it strange? The way a kids' book can provide the best comfort when you are deeply not OK? How the seemingly simply storyline just touches your hurting heart with the right amount of tenderness and love?

And my heart does hurt. Not just emotionally, but physically too. Too often these days do I feel as though a hand is reaching into my chest and squeezing  it. My heart, and sometimes my lungs. And the pressure, it will sit there. Sometimes for hours.

And perhaps the physical pain is just a symptom of emotional pain gone unacknowledge for too long. For too long I have said that I'm OK. I've said it to others. And I've said it to myself. And I've believed it.

But tonight, as I sat in church, with an unseen weight crushing my heart, my lungs gasping for breath, dreading the coming school lesson, I realised it.

I am not OK. I am deeply, deeply not OK. My heart hurts.

And it's the anxiety over my grades. It's the fear I won't be able to catch up after being sick at the beginning of semester.

It's the longing to hug the middle sister, and swap jokes with her, growing as her birthday nears. It's the knowledge that I don't know the younger sister well enough. It's the grief over losing dear friends as they move to another country.

It's the fear that I'll let love pass me by. It's the fear that I've built a stonewall around the deepest crevice of my heart. A wall built to protect this bruised, battered thing I call my heart. But is it too thick? Too high? Will anyone be able to climb it? Will I be able to let them in?

It's the pain of 'Am I good enough?'. It's the fear of being a failure. It's the fear of hurting and being hurt. It's the certainty that I can't succeed. The terror that I can't love enough. The quaking that I'll turn away, withholding love. It's the fear of falling that chains me to the ground.

It's the ache that wonders 'but who will hug me?'. It's the loneliness that longs for connection. It's the desire to bake and the question 'who for?'.

It's the screaming for God and the knowing I won't hear an answer, because I've blocked my ears. It's the not knowing how to open them, and being too afraid to ask.

It's the half steps to ask for help. It's the stopping short, because 'I'm OK'. And even if I wasn't, who'd have the time anyway?

It's the not knowing how to finish this, and the not knowing how to sit with it.

It's the haunting question 'Where is your courage?'. It's the quiet indictment 'You disappoint me', whispered in the very depths of my soul.

It's the promise of home. It's the not knowing how to get there.

It's knowing that I'll wake up tomorrow. I'll go to uni. I'll talk with friends. I'll even laugh.

If you ask me how I am, I'll probably say OK. I might even truly believe it.

And all the while the pain in my chest will come. And go. And come again.

But I really am OK...

A Month of Hygge

So, during the month of September, I challenged myself to intentionally engage with “hygge” at least once a day, every day. I was curious about this Danish concept and what it actually looked like in practice, as well as what effect it may have on me in my life. I don’t know how well I succeeded at the “once a day, every day” part, but I did enjoy the challenge and am keen to continue exploring hygge.

So, what is “hygge”?

Hygge (pronounced “hoo-guh) is an untranslatable Danish word, not because it’s a difficult concept, but because we don’t have a word for it in our language.

Hygge House describes hygge as being a “a word used to acknowledge a special feeling or moment. It can be alone or with friends, at home or out, ordinary or extraordinary, but is always cozy, charming or special”. Later in that same post, she calls it “an art of creating intimacy”.

Interestingly, hygge and hug are probably related words. “Hug” comes from the Norwegian word “hugga”, which is the language “hygge”also comes from. My research, however, has yielded conflicting explanations as to how they are related. Still, this gives us an idea as to what “hygge” actually is, and the way I have come to think of the word reflects this:

Hygge encapsulates the feelings of warmth, comfort and security one gets from being hugged tightly by a loved one.

My Month of Hygge

I went into this knowing that I’m not very good with following a set schedule, I prefer (and need) the flexibility to assess what I am able to do and what I want to do. So, instead of assigning what I was supposed to do, I simply created a list of thirty different things to do over the month.

Sadly, due to the intensity of the flare I am currently experiencing, I was unable to do some of the things on my list. For instance, I really wanted to be able to go down to the river and feed the ducks (oats, not bread!) with a friend, but I was unable to do that. I do, however, hope to be able to do this sometime in the future. Other things I wanted to do but was unable to include: trying a new soup recipe and baking bread.

Some of the things I did were things I already do, I just decided to approach them more intentionally and with a hygge mindset. This was interesting and a lot of fun! These things included knitting, nail painting, playing card games with my family, making and drinking tea and listening to ASMR or music from Studio Ghibli Movies. Side note: most Studio Ghibli movies feel very hygge to me - comforting and cozy.

Other things that I did were completely new to me. For instance, I decided to start gardening. As hygge is also about connection, I decided to use gardening to connect more with nature. And I loved it - will definitely keep gardening. I have so much to learn!

I also put together a playlist of songs that set the mood, if you will. Songs that help evoke a sense of coziness and peace in me. You can find it here.

What I Learnt

I learnt quite a fair bit from my month of intentional hygge. For one thing, hygge isn’t really something that can be achieved on command. Instead, it seems to be connected to ritual and practice. In this instance, when I say “ritual” I don’t mean anything religious or solemn. I rather mean it in the sense of something being something that is done regularly and with intention.

As well as being about coziness and comfort, hygge seems to be about connection. Connection with oneself, ones environment and with ones friends and family. In this way, mindfulness seems to be an important part of hygge. Mindfulness, in general and in this instance, is simply about being present and aware. It is, one might even say, about being connected to the present, to oneself and to the people we are with.

Moving Forward

I fully intend to keep practicing hygge moving forward. I am enjoying the challenge of trying to figure out how I can set up my small piece of space to create a hygge environment, as well as the challenge of figuring out what hygge rituals I can begin to incorporate into my life movie forward. I fully expect tea drinking, music listening, candle burning and gardening to all be a part of it.

I also plan to do more digging and reading into the history and nature of hygge. Actually, I hope to learn more about Scandinavian cultures in general. I’m already on board with their philosophy that “there’s no such thing as bad weather, only bad clothes” and am keen to learn more about the Swedish fika.

A Day in A Life

Everything is exhausting.

Let me get that out there first. Everything - and I do mean everything - is exhausting. Showering, eating, standing up, getting out of bed - you know, the things people don’t think about taking energy? Yeah, they are all exhausting. And that is the thing that most effects my day to day life with CFS. Every step of my day, every move I make has to be considered. I’m constantly asking myself “Am I able to do this? Is it necessary? Is it worth it?”

But what does that look like? What does that actually mean for me, living with CFS? Well, follow along with me as I give you a run down of a day in my life.

Note: This is just my life. CFS affects different people differently, some people have higher thresholds of activity to me. Others have lower thresholds. If you know someone with CFS, don’t assume my experiences and theirs will match. However, I do get the impression that mine are generally relatable to people with CFS.

Mornings

Morning are hard. They are probably the time of day with the greatest variability, making them difficult to predict, as well as it just being hard to get going with fatigue.

Generally, I wake up at about 8, but it will usually take me a couple of hours to get up. 10 is usually the earliest I can expect to be able to get up, and even then it’s only for short periods of time, often driven by physical needs like food, water and full bladders. If I need to get up earlier, I usually can with the help of my trusty anxiety, but that typically means I’m more fatigued later in the day, and it’s not sustainable.

Sometimes, though, I wake up early and, as a result, am able to get out of bed earlier. Again, though, this is compensated for by being more fatigued later in the day.

The worst, and one of the most alarming signs of slipping health, are when I miss the morning entirely and don’t wake up until 11 or later. I have been known not to wake up until mid afternoon during severe flares, and have even slept for 24 hours straight on more than one occasion.

And here is the cat, curled stretched out against my back.

Afternoons

Typically my most active time of day. This is the time of day I am most able to be up and moving about. There are a few things I like to do during this time. These include, but are not limited to:

• Crafting - typically knitting or crocheting

• Reading

• Writing

• Cooking/baking

• Exercising - typically walking around the back garden, sometimes dancing, when I have the energy

If I have chores to do, this is the time I am most likely to be able to do them. These usually include light things like vacuuming my room and doing my laundry. If I am experiencing more severe fatigue, I will probably watch TV or YouTube.

I feel like it’s important for me to say, at this point, that I can in no way do all these things in one day. Sometimes I can do more things, but I’m generally limited to maybe three things. And TV. Because TV doesn’t require much from me.

Evening

Honestly, this time of the day varies from day to day, depending on how much fatigue I’m experiencing and how much I’ve done during the day. I can typically do dinner with my family, but how engaged I am and how much I stick around after I finish eating differs each day. But it’s typically not very long. Sometimes, I am able to go out with a friend for an hour, which is usually nice and often much needed. Sometimes, I play card games with my family. Although, again, an hour tends to be my upper limit.

Still, I am most likely to watch TV during this time. I generally enjoy having something I can focus on, without having to be very mentally or physically active.

Night

Nights are also a difficult time of day for me. I like to have a drink of tea in the evenings, and I don’t like drinking anything after I’ve brushed my teeth. Unfortunately, by the time I’ve had my tea, I am exhausted as well as fatigued, and getting up from my bed or my chair to get ready for bed is frequently an overwhelmingly difficult task for me.

As well as this, I struggle with falling asleep, and it can take me half an hour or more each night - not something that’s pleasant when you’re exhausted or fatigued. Sure, sleep won’t cure my CFS, but it’s still awfully needed to keep me functioning. Sleep deprivation on top of CFS is absolutely horrid.

Fortunately for me, I am generally a deep sleeper, and typically won’t wake up until morning. I like that. The nights when I dream are difficult to manage. Anxiety related dreams can be… interesting…

And, this is a day in my life. Other people with CFS are more limited with what they can do, and yet others are more able than I am. This is in no way representative of day to day life with CFS as a whole. But I hope it’s given you some insight into how difficult living with CFS can be.

My Favourite Sitcoms

And I’m back! This time with a list of my top 10 favourite sitcoms, and why. Let’s get into it.

The Addams Family (1964 - 1966)

based on characters created by Charles Addams

They’re creepy, they’re cooky and I love them to bits. Honestly, The Addams Family is one of the most loving and supportive families I’ve ever come across. They’re eccentric, but they are fully comfortable with who they are. This translates to them being fully accepting of the people who come into their sphere, wildly generous and I’m pretty sure you could be an Addams just by waltzing in and saying “so, where’s my bedroom? Also, where can I keep Bambam, my pet snake?”

And, honestly, Morticia and Gomez are goals. But I’ll talk more about that in a future post. Keep your eyes peeled!

Boy Meets World (1993 -2000)

Created by Michael Jacobs and April Kelly

Another loving and supportive family. This show has a special place in my heart, and I can watch it over and over again. I love seeing Cory, Topanga, Shawn and Eric navigating the challenges of growing up and becoming some of the most iconic characters ever in the process. And I will never say no to some Feeny wisdom.

Full House (1987 - 1995)

Created by Jeff Franklin

Full disclosure: I love the idea of communal living, and hate the fact that it’s somehow become synonymous with “cult”. So, when Full House came out on Netflix and I realised what it was about, I had to watch it. And I was not disappointed. I love watching this family grow over the seasons, as they figure out how to do life together. What starts of as a family of four with an uncle and a friend moving in for a few days ends up as a family of 9 all still living in the same house. If that’s not wild, I don’t know what is.

The Good Place (2016 - 2019)

Created by Michael Schur

This is the first of three shows on this list created by Michael Schur. The only one by him not on this list is The Office, which (confession) I have not watched in it’s entirety. The Good Place, however, may just be my favourite. I love philosophy and discussions about ethics.. Sure, the premise of this show may not align with my own personal beliefs as a Christian, but it is a compelling watch, excellently written, with amazing characters. Personally, I think this is not a show to be missed.

Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013 - )

Created by Michael Schur and Daniel Goor

NINE-NINE!!

Oh man, I love this show so much! I love the diversity and complexity of the main cast of characters. I love how pure and wholesome they all are. I love the way they humourously and sensitively look at heavy topics, all while still being the coolest cops around. It’s so fun to just watch these characters interact, and honestly? Those are the best kinds of shows.

Parks and Recreation (2009 - 2015)

Created by Michael Schur and Greg Daniels

Leslie Knope is an icon.

What else is there to say?

But seriously, I love this show. And I love that the cast is led by a strong, driven female character, who I would be very happy to have working for my local government. Leslie Knope cares so much, and her whole town is better for it.

One Day at a Time (2017 - )

Created by Gloria Calderon Kellett and Mike Royce

A show featuring a Cuban-American family living in LA? That talks about anxiety, PTSD, racism, sexuality, addiction and so much more in a thoughtful, sensitive way? Yes please!

Mr. Iglesias (2019 - )

Created by Kevin Hench

Gabriel Iglesias is a hilarious man, and I can not believe that this show was my first introduction to him. Here, he stars as the titular character: Mr. Iglesias, a Latino-American history teacher who decides to take on the more “challenging” students. Over the course of the first season (there’s only one so far! More please!), his love and commitment to his students results in them beginning to not only flourish, but to grow in confidence and certainty of their place in the world. All while being insanely funny.

As Time Goes By (1992 - 2005)

Directed by Sydney Lotterby
Written by Colin Bostock-Smith and Bob Larbey

This one is a family favourite, so I grew up watching it. The shenanigans of these grown men and women as they try to figure out love, life and family are both funny and extremely British. I mean, how do you accidentally turn down a knighthood? Also, it’s Judi Dench. She’s incredible.

The IT Crowd (2006 - 2013)

Created by Graham Lineham

This show is one I would describe as being a candy show. I heavily debated whether or not I should include it, but the truth is, it leaves me gasping for breath from laughter. So I decided to include it. However, I do also find this show highly problematic, as they make light of a character’s suicide, mental health problems and even day to day misogyny in the work place. I also tend to prefer the things I watch and read to have something to say, and I just don’t know that this show does.

But still, it’s really hard to get past: "Dear Sir stroke Madam. Fire, exclamation mark. Fire, exclamation mark. Help me, exclamation mark. 123 Clarendon Road. Looking forward to hearing from you. All the best, Maurice Moss."

Honourable Mentions

So, these are my top 10 favourite sitcoms. As I decided not to include spin-off series, I’ll shout them out here as Honourable Mentions:

• Fuller House (Full House sequel series)

• Girl Meets World (Boy Meets World sequel series - Cory, Topanga, Shawn and Eric are all still iconic!)

• The Office (not included as I haven’t finished it yet, but still a fun show).

And now for you guys! Do you enjoy sitcoms? If so, what are some of your favourites? Let me know in the comments below!

A Life of Magic

“When given a choice
between you and them
choose you.
It’s better to be whole and alone
than broken at their feet.”

— Atticus

The Truth About Magic

By Atticus

You all know me, I love poetry! I ordered this book in time to get it as soon as it was released, and I am so glad I did. I spent a truly magical morning tangled up in bedsheets, listening to rain fall and reading his poems out loud to myself. Seriously, if you don’t read poetry, you should.

Why this book?

As you may remember from “My Favourite Books” list and my speech “My Relationship with Poetry”, Atticus is one of my all time favourite poets. So, when he announced earlier this year that he was coming out with a new collection of poetry, I knew I was going to get it. And there was absolutely no question on my mind: I was going to be telling all of you about it as well.

What is this book about?

Perhaps this is an unusual question to ask about a book of poetry, but poetry, perhaps more than anything else, is always about something. Atticus’s poetry often centres around themes of life and love, and in this collection, he really focused in on capturing the magic life with his words. Helpfully for me, he has even broken his book into themed sections: Youth, Love, Adventure, Her, Darkness, Words, and Stars.

My thoughts on this book

I loved it! It was absolutely everything I hoped it would be.

Atticus continues to be able to capture my heart and my imagination with his words. And each poem in this book, coupled with his photography, really was a little piece of magic.

Atticus is gifted in observing the minutia of a scene, or a moment, and then expressing it in a way that makes the reader feel as though they are in that moment with him, experiencing it alongside him. The result is that we feel the highs and lows of love, we see the beauty of a girl dancing in starlight and revel in her laugh. His joy in Paris and Rome and Brooklyn becomes our joy, and his desire to sip wine on stormy nights because our desire.

His poetry is so electric and alive, and so warm and comforting, that I always come away ready to embrace all the messy beauty that is life.

How this book affected me

This book was a breath of fresh air, as well as a deep dive into the magic and mystery of life. This book, as the two books Atticus has released before, helped me to slow down, to breathe in deep and be present in each moment of joy, and pain, and beauty. And with his reminders to open my eyes and see, I am also inspired to write more poems of my own. Some of them in answer to his poems, some of them about things I’ve tried because one of his poems challenged me, and some of them just because I’m seeing things fresh and it needs to be spoken.

There is a calmness to the poetry in this book, and it is a calmness I need when my anxiety is playing up or my CFS is flaring. So, thank you, Atticus.

Did you know…

It would be remiss of me to talk about “The Truth About Magic” without mentioning Atticus’s beautiful, and heart wrenching dedication:

This book is dedicated to Alina.
A girl I never knew
who died in my arms.

- Atticus

Atticus shares the story behind this dedication in this post on his Instagram.

In summary, Alina was a big fan of Atticus’s. When she was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, her friend Jess reached out to Atticus to ask if she could get an early copy of the audiobook - Alina was not expected to survive to the release date. Atticus flew out to spend a day with Alina and her family, reading poetry and hearing stories about Alina’s life. She died while he was with her, and his book is dedicated to her.

A book of Alina’s poetry, “Magic Whispers”, is available of Amazon, and I am very much looking forward to getting a copy and reading it for myself.

Sometimes You Just Need to Stop

Sometimes, self care doesn’t mean doing anything. Sometimes, it means doing nothing. And that’s okay.

This has been the case for me this week. My week started (last Saturday) with my body just decided it didn’t have the strength to stay standing and just giving out under me. As you can probably imagine, that has meant I have spent most of the week in bed. Unfortunately, it also means that I didn’t really have enough energy to plan for and write a blog post for this week.

Despite this, I wanted to make sure I was still able to publish something today, so I decided to write this: a quick note to everyone to say:

We do not have to be “on” all the time.

We do not always have to be going. We do not always have to be doing.

It is perfectly alright, and sometimes much needed, to say “nope, I’m doing absolutely nothing today!” and binge watch the entirety of your favourite show from the comfort of your bed.

Our bodies and minds are not designed for constant stimulation and activity. Please don’t forget that in the pursuit of some undefined need to be productive all the time.

I hope none of you have bodies that get quite as (how shall I put this?) forceful as mine does when you need to stop and do nothing. But regardless of whether or not you do, please don’t push yourself to that point before you take some time for doing nothing.

Can I be Honest? Life Post Book Release

This was written a couple of weeks ago. I didn’t want to change it before posting as the emotions and fears are still very real, if less overwhelming. I am genuinely so happy and excited that I have achieved a dream in publishing a collection of my poetry, and I am focusing in on writing some other things - I actually have a short story in the works that I am so excited about! And I plan to involve myself with NaNoWriMo this year. Although, for my health, my goal is to write the 50,000 words over October and November.

Still, I wanted to share this post as is, because I feel like this is a part of publishing that is not often talked about - the scary, vulnerable side of it. People usually just talk about the excitement and the happiness, but I’m finding that isn’t the full picture. And I have always been committed to being as open and honest as possible.

I kind of don’t want to write this, but that’s only because I am planning to be terrifyingly open. And that’s really scary.

A question people have been asking me is: what is it like to be a published author?

And, I’ve been giving an honest answer, but it’s only one part of the answer: it’s exciting.

And it is.

But the truth is, it is also incredibly vulnerable and proportionately scary.

As I am writing this, it has been a month and a half since my book was released. By the time this post comes out, it will have been two full months. So maybe some things will have changed. If so, I’ll let you know.

Right now, though, I’m sitting with the uncertainty of not knowing what the people who are reading this book think of it. And that’s scary, because my poetry is intensely personal.

I should say, I have heard from a couple of my readers, and their messages were so treasured and appreciated. Thank you so much, those of you who have contacted me. Your words have been encouraging.

I am also finding that there is so much marketing to do, and that, quite frankly, is overwhelming. Asking people to buy my work is also far more vulnerable than I anticipated, and I am really, really struggling with it. I have no idea what I am doing, or who I can ask for advice and help. Basically, it’s overwhelming, exhausting and headache inducing.

Boy, do I wish this came as easily to me as the writing. It doesn’t though, and I have to be ok with leaning into that and living with it.

I am also struggling with feelings of shame. Shame that I’m not just feeling happy and grateful I was able to publish a book.

Please don’t get me wrong, I am, but I am also feeling all the other things I’ve mentioned here. And I’m feeling shame because of it. But then, as Dr. Brené Brown says: shame is a knee-jerk reaction to feeling vulnerable. And boy do I feel vulnerable.

I also have to remind myself that this is just the beginning. I am still learning. I am still young. One day I’ll have a better understanding of how this all works and how to manage my vulnerabilities and fears.

The truth is, right now, I feel like I’m living in a free fall, with no idea of where the ground is. I know I’ll survive the landing, I know I’ll be able to get back up again.

For now, though, it is hard, and I am struggling.

Beautiful Things I Saw This Week

I have had a rather difficult week with my CF flaring, my depression making itself known, and my anxiety kicking me around. Basically, I have not had the brain space for much writing. At least, not shareable writing.

Fortunately, I have been taking photos of things I have found cute or beautiful, so I could share 10 of those and we can still have a post today! Also, next week’s post is already written, so I have time to get back on track with my writing and uploading.

I hope you’ve all had better weeks than me.

Sides, Self-knowledge and a YouTube Series?

“Thomas: Wait... scary costumes? I don’t think I got the memo on that one.
Roman: I literally don’t know how. We discussed it in your head.”

— Sanders Sides, ep 26 "Embarrassing Phases: The Nightmare instead of Christmas"

Sanders Sides

By Thomas Sanders and Joan Stokes

Yes, this is not a book. No, I have not lost my marbles. However, due to an unusually busy month and the resulting CF flares, I was unable to do the reading I had planned for this month’s book review. And it’s a little hard to review a book when I’ve only read one third of it. Still, I did not want to leave you without a post today, and I wanted to let you all know about this YouTube series, so I decided to kill too birds with one stone.

Why this series?

So, I have been seeing “Sanders Sides” memes for over a year, which were amusing, but gave me absolutely no context for the series or what it was about. Then, this week, I was exhausted and I needed something short and light to watch while my brain slowly died. So, I decided, what the heck? I’ll watch “Sanders Sides”.

Best decision of my life.

Or at least this week.

What is this series about?

Thomas Sanders is a YouTuber who started off on Vine. You know, that thing that used to be a thing. On the 19th of October, 2016, Thomas released his first “Sanders Sides” episode. The intention, according to himself in the video, was to help his viewers get to know him better, and he chose to do this by “projecting” different aspects of his personality as characters within the show.

In the nearly three years since then, the show has grown into more of a fun, educational show in which Sanders explores complex issues ranging through dealing with anxiety, the importance of honesty, motivation, intrusive thoughts and a range of other issues. All with the help of the four other main characters: Logan, his logical side; Patton, his morality; Roman, his creativity; and Virgil, his anxiety.

My thoughts on this series

This series is incredibly creative. Not simply in concept, but also in execution. I find myself constantly impressed by the quality of the writing, the excellence of Thomas’s acting (seriously, I forget that there aren’t actually five individual people standing around talking to each other), the ways in which he explores the content (we’ve had a puppet episode, a musical episode, a debate episode, a courtroom episode), and the humour with which he handles some very important topics.

As someone who struggles with mental and physical health, and has studied psychology, I greatly appreciate how informative each episode is, with each side contributing something valuable to the discussion, and Logan whipping out studies and evidence when necessary.

Thanks to Thomas and Joan’s creativity, I think this series makes difficult subject matters accessible to a wide range of age groups, although I would recommend parents view it and make there own decisions. Especially with regards to episodes like “Dealing with Intrusive Thoughts”.

Whilst this show wasn’t exactly the light viewing I had anticipated, I have loved every minute of it, and have already been going around recommending people watch it.

How this series affected me

As I said, I have already been recommending that people watch this show. One friend has already obliged me, and in the few days of watching it, we have already found it helps give us a common language with which to talk about more serious issues. For instance, when one of us is struggling with something, the other can say “what would Logan say?” or “how would Patton react?”. That has been a fun and helpful way of being able to encourage each other.

I have also decided to take the step of personifying different aspects of myself, primarily to help myself work through different challenges and keep things in perspective. That has already been really helpful, and the process of figuring out “who” each of the different aspects I am personifying are has already given me greater insight into who I am and how I work.

Over time, I will probably introduce you to the different characters and examine their roles in my life. Although, that is much more likely to happen in either my self care section or my blog.

Did you know…

Anxiety is our natural fight or flight reaction. Sometimes (like for me) that can be heightened to an unhealthy extreme. That does not, however, mean that anxiety itself is a bad thing. As Logan points out in the two-part episode “Accepting Anxiety”, there is such a thing as a Yerkes-Dodson Curve. This curve basically demonstrates the relationship between performance and anxiety/tension. Basically, there is a level of anxiety or tension that is need for the optimal performance of a task. Both too much and too little anxiety can cause problems. The helpful level of anxiety varies depending on the complexity and familiarity of the task at hand, but a little bit is almost always helpful in ensuring that we perform to the best of our abilities.

Before Year's End

Having recently read The Hidden Power of F*cking Up, by The Try Guys, I decided to put together a list of things to “try”. Some of these are fun things I’ve been wanting to do for a while, and some of these are hard things I’ve been putting off doing for a while. Anyway, here is my list of Just 10 Things to do before year’s end. (Roll credits).

Put together and gift a care package

This one is actually pretty straight forward. I already have it all planned out, and most of the pieces for it gathered. It will take me another couple of weeks to finish off and gift, but it’s probably the easiest one on this list!

Have some friends over for a nice afternoon tea

This one will be fun! I hope to bake some nice afternoon tea treats, make up a pot of tea and break out the nice tea set. It will just be a matter of organising and inviting.

Bake cookies for the neighbours

I did this last year for Christmas - baked some cookies for our next door neighbours with whom we have an amicable relationship. I’m hoping to do so again this year. And maybe for some of the new neighbours on the street as well.

Pay for a stranger’s coffee

Or hot chocolate. I’m not yet sure what the best way of doing this would be, but I would very much like to “pay it forward” for someone. You never know when someone’s day might need a lift!

Have a full day each month without screens or social media

This is going to be challenging. When my brain is pretty clear, I can go for hours without looking at my screens or social media. When my brain is foggy, though, I have no energy or desire to do anything but curl up in bed and watch some mindless TV. Still, it would be good for me to be disciplined about taking time away from screens for a day each month.

I’m just not particularly looking forward to it.

Host a small dinner party for friends

Maybe I’ll try doing a “Friendsgiving” this year. I’m not entirely sure what this is going to look like, when I’ll do it or how many people I’m going to be able to invite, but I am excited about the idea of an evening of good food and friends.

Walk the Bridge to Bridge and have a picnic with a friend

This is one of the most ambitious items on this list. The Nepean River Bridge to Bridge walk is about 6km long, which is quite a bit more than I can easily walk. Still, I managed it at the beginning of the year and would be keen to do it again. I’d love to go with a friend and finish up with a light picnic, but whoever I go with will have to be patient with me as I stop for regular breaks.

I am also kind of terrified of the PEM (post exertion malaise) that this will trigger, but I want to try. And, really, what else can you do?

Go to a concert

Given that I am actually writing this post a couple of weeks in advance, by the time to you are reading this I will have already gone to a concert. My favourite kpop group, GOT7, are performing in Sydney on the 22nd of August, and I have tickets to go, along with a group of my friends. I am so excited!

Memorise a poem

I’m pretty excited for this one. I haven’t memorised many poems over the years, and only one of them has stuck with me: Shakespeare’s 116th sonnet. Still, I love poetry (obviously) and would like to memorise another poem. This one will be a challenge for my brain, which is still more foggy than I think I realise. I am hoping, however, to memorise Love III by George Herbert. It’s a beautiful poem reflecting on the Eucharist - the technical name for the eating of the Bread and drinking of the Wine done by Christians in churches everywhere for a couple of thousand years.

Maybe this one will even stick!

Start exploring hygge

I am also really excited for this. I have already started trying to incorporate aspects of hygge living into my life, but I am keen to spend a month doing something to engage with hygge living everyday. My current plan is to do that throughout September and then write back to you about it in October. So if you have any questions about what hygge is, check back in October!

What's in my Self Care Box

I tend to think of everything I do and use for self care as “My Self Care Arsenal”. This arsenal includes everything from friends I can contact when I’m not doing OK to recipes I love to cook. Part of this arsenal is “My Self Care Box”.

This is box is a literal box that I keep under my bed. The intention behind the box is to have some things all in one place that I can easily reach for when I need a little extra something for self care. Because it’s intended for when I don’t have much energy or motivation, everything in it has to be simple and easy to use.

In this post, I’ll be breaking down some of the things I keep in my Self Care Box and why. My hope is that in doing so, you’ll be encouraged to think about whether or not a Self Care Box is something you would like to put together, and what sorts of things you might put in it.

Candles

I love candles. I always have. I love the smells. I love the flickering of the flame. I love how calming it is to just sit in a room with only a candle for light.

So, when I was putting my Self Care Box together, it was a no brainer (which I like - brain fog!) to put some candles in. I initially had four, but am now down to my last few burns of my last one. Time to restock soon, methinks.

I also keep a wick trimmer and matches in my box. The wick trimmer because I like to take care of my candles, that’s as much a matter of self care as the actual burning of them, and the matches because, well, I need them to light the candles!

Some of my favourite candles:

• Sea Salt Rose by Serenity

• Calm by Dusk

Snacks

I like to keep some snacks in my Self Care Box. At the time I took this photo, I had popcorn kernels and Jelly Babies. I also keep Ritz crackers and Oreos in there. I find it helpful to have some light snacks I can keep in my room and have on hand for those times when I’m hungry, but don’t have enough energy to go to the kitchen or think about what to eat.

Is it the healthiest? Maybe, maybe not, but anything’s healthier than starving myself.

I also like to keep some brown paper bags in the box. I use them with the popcorn. 2 tablespoons of kernels in a brown paper bag, in the microwave for 2 - 2.5 minutes and you have yourself I warm, light, healthy snack.

Flower Vase

I love flowers, and I love having them on my bedside table. But I hate having to look for a vase.

So, I keep this one in my Self Care Box ready to go on those occasions when I get flowers.

An Over-sized Shirt

Admittedly, I can’t really use this during the winter as it isn’t warm enough, but when I wear this shirt, it’s a signal to myself and those around me that I’m in need of some TLC. During the winter, a ratty, over-sized hoodie serves the same function.

Over to you

Do you have a self-care box? If so, what’s in it? If not, do you think you’ll make one? What would you put in it?

Let me know in the comments below!

What's in a Name - Clapham Corner

It’s been two months since my website went live, so now’s a good time to talk about the name, right?

I’m sure people have some questions - I’ve definitely already been asked a couple of times!

Now, history savvy readers may already have made the link to William Wilberforce and the Clapham Circle. If you have - well done. Give yourself a pat on the back. If you haven’t, that’s fine, I wouldn’t have expected you too.

Anyway, William Wilberforce has long been a personal hero of mine, ever since I watched Amazing Grace back in 2008. If you ever asked me who I’d want to invite for dinner, my answer was probably William Wilberforce.

I admire Wilberforce for many reasons. I primarily admire him for being a man who didn’t let the social and economic norms of his culture blind him to the atrocities that were occurring. This applies to his fight against slavery, but also his fight for better public education, his fight against cruelty to animals and the many, many other causes he dedicated his life to.

I also admire Wilberforce for the way he refused to separate his Christian faith from his job as a politician, instead letting his faith inform his policies and actions. I admire his persistence in fighting for abolition, despite the many setbacks he and his friends faced. I admire the way he didn’t allow his chronic ill health to define him or prevent him from doing the work he loved and felt called to do.

As I said: he is a personal hero of mine.

Unfortunately, for many people, the older they get and the more they find out about their heroes, the more disillusioned they become. So far, that has not been the case for me with Wilberforce.

Last year, I read Eric Metaxas’ Amazing Grace: William Wilberforce and the Heroic Campaign to End Slavery. As well as growing in me a deeper appreciation of Wilberforce and his accomplishments, this book properly introduced me to the Clapham Circle (also known as the Clapham Sect).

These were a number of WIlberforce’s close friends and contemporaries who, along with Wilberforce and his family, bought land and established homes together in Clapham. Together, they and their homes became a centre for hospitality, Christian thinking and the home base for many of the time’s most prominent and influential social justice movements.

Which brings me to why I named my website and blog Clapham Corner.

As I was thinking about my long term hopes and dreams for my life and this blog, I realised I also wanted my home (both physically and virtually) to be a place of hospitality, Christian thinking and a space for matters of social justice to be discussed and acted on. Because of this, and my long lasting admiration for Wilberforce, I decided I wanted the name of my blog to reflect this by being a less than subtle nod to his home and circle of friends.

After brainstorming a few ideas and figuring out what domains were available (because practical matters are just as important) I settled on the name you see today: Clapham Corner.

So, welcome to Clapham Corner. Come in, settle down and grab yourself a cup of something hot. Or cold, if it’s summer where you are. Let’s go on this journey together.

Favourite Korean Dramas

As I mentioned in my book review of Pachinko, I love Korean dramas, more often known simply as kdramas. There are certain rules that kdramas follow, providing international viewers with insight as to what Koreans value, which I find fascinating. They have often been described as fairytale-esque due to the fact that, as a general rule, justice is served, the guy gets the girl (although victims of Second Male Lead Syndrome may disagree) and there is often an innocence to the main characters who are battling to overcome the cruelty of life and other people.

Still, within that, there is a wide range of genres. The following is my list of my top 10 favourite kdramas.

Solomon’s Perjury (Dec 2016 - January 2017)

In general, these shows aren’t in any particular order, but I do believe that Solomon’s Perjury is one of my all time favourite TV shows. It’s definitely my all time favourite kdrama!
In just 12 hours, we take a deep dive into the lives of a group of high schoolers as they try to figure out just how their classmate died. Where other shows may shy away from intense subjects such as abuse and suicide, Solomon’s Perjury faces them head on, resulting in a show that criticises those who abuse their power and authority, affirms the power of friendship, encourages people to keep living in hope and to seek out the truth with compassion.

I can not recommend this show highly enough. And if any of you are interested in watching it, it’s available on Netflix.

Strong Girl Bong-Soon (2017)

This show is best described as a comedy. Although, like most kdramas, it has a darker plotline that weaves it’s way through it. Do Bong-soon is born to a line of women who have super strength. However, if they misuse that strength, they lose it forever. This premise sets up a 16 episode long show in which Bong-soon learns how to use her strength without abusing it, whilst also trying to figure out love, life and everything else.

This is, for the most part, a fun, lighthearted show. Although, if you are prone to the dreaded Second Male Lead Syndrome (SMLS), prepare to have your heart broken.

This show is available on Netflix.

I Remember You (or Hello, Monster) (2015)

This is the show that really introduced me to the range and ability of my all time favourite actor - Park Bogum. This show falls under the thriller/crime genre with all of the main characters working as police officers, criminal profilers, forensic scientists and lawyers.

Lee Hyun, our male lead, returns to South Korea after a number of years in the States in order to find out the truth of what happened the night his father was murdered and his little brother disappeared. This leads to 16 episodes in which matters of family, morality and love are explored and the question is posed: what is it that makes a monster?

I Hear Your Voice

This show has, in my opinion, a strong blend of romance and intense crime/thriller aspects.

Our leads, Jang Hye-sung and Park Soo-ha are brought together 10 years prior to the events of the show when Hye-sung witnesses the murder of Soo-ha’s father. On the strength of her testimony, the murderer is sent to prison. 10 years later, he is released and vows to get his revenge on Hye-sung and Soo-ha.

This leads to 18 episodes exploring what justice looks like and what it means to live your life with courage.

This show is available on Netflix.

City Hunter (2011)

This show starts explosively with a team of South Korean black ops soldiers being mowed down by their own government after an off the books mission into North Korea. The sole survivor of this massacre disappears into the jungles of Thailand with the new born son of his best friend, vowing revenge on those who betrayed them.

Nearly 30 years later, the son arrives in Seoul with explicit instructions to seek out and kill the five men responsible. What follows is a superhero origin story in which Lee Yoon-sung struggles to walk the line between vengeance and justice, whilst also longing for love and a life that doesn’t involve hurting the people he loves.

He is Psychometric (2019)

I’ll be honest, I never expected this one to become one of my top 10 favourite kdramas - I only started watching it because my one of my favourite kpop artists (GOT7’s Jinyoung) was the star.

It did not take long for me to become engrossed.

The show follows Lee Ahn (Jinyoung’s character) and his friends, Yoon Jae-in, Kang Sung-mo and Eun Ji-soo as they try to find out the full truth behind the fire that killed Ahn’s parents. I can’t really say too much more without spoilers, but I do highly recommend this show!

Encounter (2019)

This is another show starring my favourite actor, Park Bogum. And honestly, it’s a comfort show. Whilst many of the shows I gravitate towards have darker elements to them or are insanely funny, this is a sweet, pure look at what it is to fall in love, and what it takes to make love last.

I don’t have much to say about this one, but if you want to fall in the love, this is the show to watch.

Arthdal Chronicles (2019 - ?)

So, this show wasn’t on my list until today. Mostly because I didn’t watch in until this week. It also isn’t finished as it is on hiatus. Still, I’ve fallen in love with it.

The cinematography is stunning, the characters are complex and relatable, and it took me a long time to figure out who I was rooting for. Actually, no, I knew who I am rooting for to win ultimately from the second episode. It took me longer to work out who I am rooting against and who I am supporting for the time being.

Arthdal Chronicles is perhaps unique of all the kdramas I’ve watched as it is a high fantasy drama set long before any recognisable civilisation existed. In it are explorations of power and scathing criticisms of slavery and abuse of power.

As I said, it’s currently on hiatus, but I recommend you go watch it on Netflix right away. Then you can suffer the wait for more episodes with me.

W Two Worlds

This is another incredibly unique story with a complex world and interesting characters. It is set in modern times, but could probably be described as fantasy? I don’t know a better word for “a comic book character gains sentience and starts fighting for the right to live”. It’s so much fun, with so many twists and turns and that I’m left on the edge of my seat. Despite having seen it before!

10/10 would recommend. And it’s available on Netflix.

1% of Something (2016)

This is another one that is pure, light hearted fun. A remake of a kdrama made in 2003, watching both dramas provides amazing insight into the change in South Korean culture and attitudes towards romantic relationships.

With a relationship that starts off as a contract relationship to appease his peculiar (and rich) grandfather, the two soon find themselves falling in love. This is another great one to watch if you want to see two people falling in love and figuring out how to make it work.

Shoutout

Dramaworld (2016)

This show is not a kdrama, but it absolutely deserves a shoutout in a post talking about my favourite kdramas.

Main character Claire, a major kdrama fan, finds herself sucked into the world of kdramas - also known as Dramaworld. In there, she’s informed that it’s her job to keep this drama from falling apart, or it will be the end of all kdramas, everywhere. Over 10 episodes, we follow Claire as she bumbles her way through this world, and figures out all the rules of Dramaworld: the first male lead MUST kiss the first female lead, if a female faints a male lead WILL catch her, saving a character’s life means they instantly fall in love with their saviour… well, you get the picture.

This show is just a lot of fun, and is clearly written by people who appreciate the world of kdramas.

But don’t watch it until you’ve watched a few kdramas. You won’t get the jokes otherwise.

This show is available on Netflix.

Honourable Mentions

As with last month’s post, there were a few shows I considered, but that ultimately did not make it onto my list. So, I’ve included them here as honourable mentions. They are:

• Bring it on, Ghost (2016)

• Faith (2012)

• Pinocchio (2014) available on Netflix

• Kingdom (2019 - ?) available on Netflix

• Birth of a Beauty (2014) available on Netflix.

Over to you

Have you ever watched any kdramas? If so, what are some of your favourites?

Let me know in the comments down below!

Pachinko and History

“History has failed us, but no matter.”

— Min Jin Lee

Isn’t it great when a number of things you're interested in come together? This book has been catching my eye on and off ever since it came out, but I kept putting off reading it. So, when Emma Watson’s online book club Our Shared Shelf selected it as the book of the month, it was the kick up the butt I needed to hunt down a copy and get reading!

Why this book?

Well, there is the obvious reason of it being the book of the month(s) for Our Shared Shelf, but honestly, I would have gotten around to reading it eventually.

Anyone who has gotten to know me over the last few years will know that I have had a growing fascination with Korea and Korean culture over the last several years. I may be stating it mildly, as a cousin of mine has accused me of being “such a koreaboo!”

It all started at the end of 2014 when a dear friend of mine introduced me to my first kdrama - “You are Beautiful”. Which, whilst it’s not the gateway kdrama (that’s Boys over Flowers) it is certainly one of them.

But what’s kdrama? I hear a number of people ask.

Well, very simply, it’s Korean dramas. But in this context “drama” just means fictional TV shows. So, reality shows and contests do not fall under the “kdrama” umbrella. Nor do movies. Within kdrama, though, is every type of story genre available to humanity, as far as I can tell. There are rom-coms, thrillers, procedurals (both medical and criminal), mysteries, fantasies, sci-fis, periods (known as sageuk) and probably a number that I’m missing.

Kdramas as a phenomenon and a thing that exists are being analysed and discussed by people much more qualified than me. That’s not why I am here. If you’re interested in that, a quick Google search will probably yield some interesting results.

Anyway, it was through kdramas that I began to see more of this country and culture that before I only knew in terms of the Korean War, the division between North and South, and the secrecy and persecution of Christians in the north. And, like, this list was the entirety of my knowledge prior to watching kdramas. I didn’t even have details.

So, as kdramas and, later, kpop (Korean pop music) began to introduce me to this culture and people I had previously known nothing about, I began to want to learn more. So, so much.

But, there are limits to how much one can learn through TV shows and music. I started learning about the food, day-to-day relations, cultural expectations and something of the heroes from their past. But nothing concrete about how Korea became the Korea we know today - division and all. And I couldn’t find anything to help me get started on that. All the books and information I came across was about modern relations with North Korea, or about the Korean War from a very western perspective.

Then came this book. A book about Koreans in the last century, written by a Korean. I knew I had to read it.

What is this book about?

Pachinko is, first and foremost, a novel. I would describe the genre as a historical, family saga. If you’ve read One Hundred Years of Solitude, it has a similar vibe to that.

Pachinko is entirely about the Korean perspective on the Japanese occupation from 1910 - 1945, which I had known very little about, the withdrawal of the Japanese from Korea and the effect that had on Koreans living in Japan, how the division of North and South Korea affected the Koreans and the ongoing discrimination that Koreans living in Japan face.

It does this by focusing in on the Baek family. Sunja is the matriarch of the family, and the book starts with her father, Hoonie, in Yoeng-do, near Busan and follows them down to her grandson, Solomon. The change from the family being situated in Yoeng-do to Japan happens early on, after Sunja finds herself pregnant out of wedlock. A disaster for any woman of that time. Fortunately, a young pastor on his way to Japan is staying with them and he offers to marry her and take her with him.

Unfortunately, I can’t tell you more than this without spoiling things for you. But within this story and historical setting, Lee explores issues of discrimination, persecution, family, the role of men and women in Korean and Japanese cultures, racism, displacement, war, and a whole range of other difficult topics.

My thoughts on the book

I really enjoyed reading Pachinko. I do have some criticism of it, so I’ll discuss those first, but I will state right now, I enjoyed this book immensely.

So, what are my criticisms?

Well, pretty much all of them come back to the scope of what Lee was trying to accomplish. It was huge and amazing, and, for the most part, incredible, but did lead to a few issues in the writing.

For one thing, this book could get ponderous. There was just so much going on all the time, and it necessarily flow as well as it could have. She jumped between time periods and point of view frequently, which could get confusing and overwhelming. Her use of language was also not necessarily the smoothest and I did have to take a week long break between books two and three (all in one book though) as my mind felt overloaded.

She also tried to do too much. Within the story of the family, I didn’t mind so much, but I do think she should not have tried to explore what life was like for a homosexual Japanese man as much as she did. Please note: I do think it is important to have stories that explore this aspect of life, I just felt it didn’t belong in this book. There was an entire chapter dedicated to it from his wife’s perspective that did nothing but interrupt the flow of the story and pull us away from the main narrative. Especially as this is also the only time we even see his wife or get her perspective. It just added length to an already incredibly long story.

And that’s it for my criticisms.

As I said, I did enjoy this book immensely.

I loved being able to learn about an entire aspect of (ongoing) Korean history I had previously known nothing about. I loved the deep dive into one family’s experience of an incredibly difficult life in occupied Korea and then in Japan as a stateless family. I loved each member of the family and have a hearty respect for both Sunja and her sister-in-law, Kyunghee.

All in all, I would recommend this book and encourage people to read it.

How this book affected me

I learnt so much.

My the time I got to this book, I knew that during the second world war, Japan has occupied Korea and was fighting China. I knew that as part of that, Korean women were taken and sent as “companions” for Japanese soldiers.

I did not, however, know that the Japanese occupation of Korea started during the first world war. Or that during it a large number of Koreans moved to Japan in search of a better life. I did not know that the Koreans where treated as second class citizens and despised by their Japanese contemporaries.

I did not know that when Japan withdrew from Korea, the Koreans living in Japan suddenly stopped being Japanese citizens. I did not know that a number of them had originated from the north of Korea, and found themselves unable to go home.

I did not know that, until this day, a number of Koreans living in Japan are technically stateless. Even if their families have been there for a century. For more on this, I found this article to be helpful.

This book has shown me yet another way in which the North/South division is affecting Koreans in very real and ongoing ways. And not just in the Koreas themselves. It helped me to understand a little more about what it means to be displaced.

It also has not diminished my fascination, dare I say love, of Korea and her people and culture. If anything, it has grown. I sincerely hope to be able to visit sometime in the next five years, and hopefully more going into the future.

Did you know…

Pachinko is a Japanese game that is similar to Western pinball. Similar, but not the same. Works as a mechanical arcade game, but is used most commonly in gambling. Which is why the Baek family are not thought of particularly highly, despite their wealth.

What Actually is Self Care

You know, if I’m going to be talking about self care, it’s probably a good idea for me to clarify what I am talking about when I say self care. So, in this post, I am going to do just that.

I am going to define what self care is, give a brief overview of different areas of self, define some other important terms that will come up, and give you a little bit of insight into what self care looks like for me, personally.

Let’s dig in!

“Self Care” Defined

I personally feel that this is a fairly self explanatory term. Still, I want to pick apart what the words mean, and what the phrase means all together.

I’ll start with the easier word. Care.

Now, when you Google the meaning of the word “care” a number of different definitions comes up. These variations are based on the form and context of the word usage, but they all have a a similar idea at heart.

The Cambridge Dictionary, however, provides the clearest and most pertinent definition for this use of the word “care”. It defines “care” as

The process of protecting someone or something and providing what that person or thing needs.

Then, the second word in this phrase is “self”. Now, the concept of self is a massive, complicated philosophical question. However, here, in this context, self means yourself. Or myself. Also relevant is this definition of the word as provided by the Cambridge Dictionary:

The set of someone’s characteristics, such as personality and ability, that are not physical and make that person different from other people

Take these two things together, and we see that “self care” means to protect and provide for (look after) oneself (yourself). And because each person is different, that means what they need for self care will also be different.

Sure, there are some self care things that are pretty universal. For instance, brushing your teeth everyday constitutes as self care because you are looking after yourself, but it is also something everyone should be doing if they can.

Then there are aspects of self care that varying from person to person. For example, I love to paint my nails. For me, that is an important self care ritual. For my sisters, however, it is stressful and unnecessary. Also, they are studying in medical fields, so it is a hindrance. Therefore, painting their nails is not self care.

Different Types of Self Care

Over time, I will post about each of these areas (and others!) and explore them in depth. Still, I want to show you how broad and all encompassing self care really is. I also want to challenge you now to start thinking about ways you can take better care of yourself in these areas.

Hygiene

This is so important for your physical and mental health. This includes things like showers, brushing your teeth, making sure your clothes and bedding is cleaned regularly, keeping your house/bedroom clean. Just doing those little things, regularly, to make sure that you are keeping your body and your environment as clean and healthy as you can.

For me, this means things like changing my sheets monthly and brushing my teeth daily.

Food

This is something that comes up a lot, and that I think can be a problem for people. Or, if not a problem, something that is really stressful. It is so important to have a healthy relationship with food. Things that can be done as self care in this area can include: cooking, trying new recipes, seeing a dietitian. Really, it’s about making sure that you taking as much care of yourself as you can be with the foods you are eating.

For me, this means sharing the cooking with my parents through the week. We all get a chance to cook, we all cook with fresh, healthy ingredients and we cook a wide variety of food types. This means that we get delicious, healthy, homemade meals every day, but we aren’t overwhelmed with the need to cook daily.

And I’m not afraid to bake a brownie every once in a while!

Finances

Now this isn’t an area people talk about a lot when it comes to self care, but that I have realised is massively important. Money is so important and can be a huge source of stress in people’s lives. Therefore, I have come to believe that it is important to have a system of managing ones finances in place that helps to reduce some of that stress.

For me, this means having a system by which I track all of my spending and all of my income, and a strict budget for where my money goes. Knowing what’s happening with my money has made things so much better for me, and I’ve gone from having regular money induced panic attacks to pretty much none.

Emotional

This one can be so varied, but is so important! I’ll definitely dig into this one more later. For now, I’ll just say that as part of self care, checking in with ones emotional and mental health is important. As is knowing how to take care of yourself when you’re not doing so well. Of course, we don’t just want our self care to be reactive - we want it to be proactive.

Important Terms

Reactive self care

This is the type of self care that reacts to a problem that has arisen. A common type of reactive self care is going to see the doctor when you are sick. You have a problem - you’re sick - so you react by going to a doctor. This is a very short term, in the moment kind of self care. But that does not mean it isn’t important!

Proactive self care

This is the kind of self care that looks much longer term and says “how can I be establishing habits and routines that will help me to take care of myself in the long run?” This is much more about identifying areas that may become problems and making a plan to avoid the problem, or to face it head on. A common example of proactive self care is daily teeth brushing.

Trigger

Aside from the term “self care” itself, this is probably the most important term that I am going to define in this post. I hate the way “trigger” has become a kind of a joke, when actually, triggers and being triggered are very serious things.

In this context, a trigger is a psychological term which mentalhelp.net defines as

external events or circumstances that may produce very uncomfortable emotional or psychiatric symptoms such as anxiety, panic, discouragement, despair or negative self talk

Triggers are most often associated with trauma, and are often unique. When talking about triggers, it is important to realise that everyone experiences trauma differently, and as a result are traumatised by different things and have those traumas triggered - reawoken, poked at - by different things.

So, in this context “trigger” is both a verb and a noun.

The noun is the thing that is causing the trauma response, be that panic, discomfort, despair, anything along those lines.

The verb is the trauma response itself.

So, far instance, I was in a car accident last year. Ever since then, I find being in cars difficult and traumatic. In this case, the triggers (noun) are sudden stops while driving, a car rolling forward, fast driving. What it triggers (verb) are panic attacks.

So, here is a little taste of this wide, wide world of self care, and what sorts of things I will be talking about in more detail in future blog posts.

My Relationship with Poetry

This is the transcript of the talk I gave at the launch of “Amidst the Ash” last Saturday, the 13th of July, 2019. Thank you to everyone who came, and thank you to all those who wanted to come, but who couldn’t make it. I am very grateful for all your support.

Sometimes I wonder what would happen
if I could just step out of my way.

After a couple of years of not knowing how to write what was going on in my head, I was desperate to express myself some way. So, on the second of October, 2017, I too a deep breath, picked up my pen and waited to see what would happen.

I have always been a writer. Just ask anyone in my family.

I love words. I love seeing them take shape on the page, telling stories, truths, hopes, dreams, griefs and triumphs.

It’s been in the written word that I’ve learnt some of the most important lessons of my life. In the Bible, in novels, in biographies, in my own journals, characters and poetry.

I must admit, though, I find it very strange that the first book I am releasing is a book of poetry. I’ve always been more of a novel writer. And, I promise you, the novels are coming.

Not that I have anything against poetry. I never have. I mean, obviously not.

But poetry seemed to have so many rules. Rhyming, rhythm, length, form, patterns. And it felt to me that in order to write good poetry, I had to be technically good. This meant that, unless I was specifically writing free form poetry, I got caught up in the technical aspects of the poetry. I lost what I was trying to say, and ended up hating the results and incredibly anxious.

So I stopped writing poetry.

Then, a few years ago, poets like Atticus, Erin Hanson, Rupi Kaur, and Amanda Lovelace began crossing my path.

And I fell in love with poetry again.

These poets weren’t - aren’t - particularly fussed about form and technicality. Instead of feeling very cognitive, their poetry felt raw, honest - more like a sensory experience. It felt real, alive, present.

But, most importantly for me, their poetry gave me permission to write poetry the way I wanted to write poetry - focusing on what I was saying, rather than on how I was saying it.

This coincided with my growing need to express what I was thinking and feeling. Novel writing was out of the question. It required too much energy, too much clarity of mind. Journalling was difficult for similar reasons.

So, I wrote poetry.

I wrote this book.

This book contains poems in which I express my pain as I struggle with my anxiety, depression and chronic fatigue.

It suffocates.
It burns.
It clenches at the heart
and claws at the throat.
This monster called depression
that follows me around.

It numbs.
It freezes.
It sits in the stomach
and fogs up the mind.
This monster called depression
that follows me around.

It contains poetry that captures moments of joy and peace.

Have you ever run in the rain?

Run until you’re out of breath
and your clothes cling to you?

Until your skin runs with raindrops
and you can taste it with every breath?

Until your hairs clump and stick
and you can’t see through your glasses?

Until your feet are wet and muddy
but your body glistens in the light?

Have you ever run in the rain?
It feels like freedom and courage.

It feels like magic.

It contains some poetry that reflects on my struggles with God and, I hope, my continuing faith in Him.

If this is your glory passing by,
hurry by that I may see.
Let the dust settle
let the tempest sleep
let me recover myself enough
that I may delight in you.

Because right now
I can’t even breathe.

And so, I guess, for now, I want to say thank you.

Thank you to everyone who is here, and everyone who couldn’t make it.

Thank you for your love and your support.

Thank you for your prayers, your messages, your encouragements.

And, of course, Thank you to God. For Your faithfulness, Your goodness and Your compassion. None of this would be worth anything without you.

Thank you again. And God bless.

My Favourite Books

Given that I am an avid reader, what better way to start my “Just 10 Things” series than with a post about my Top 10 favourite books of all time??

Now, within these ten, I can’t really rank them. However, I will admit to the fact that the top five on this list are my top five books over all. They’re just amazing OK?!

Also, I won’t be mentioning the Bible, not because I don’t love it, but because it’s obvious. Of course it’s one of my favourite and most read books.

The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane, by Kate DiCamillo

Yeah, so, it’s been three years since I was introduced to this book, and I’ve read it probably a dozen times since then. Just talking about it now is making me want to read it again.

Hayao Miyazaki said “I would like to make a film to tell children ‘it’s good to be alive’”. And that’s how this book makes me feel. When I’m struggling and life just feels too hard, this is the book I pick up.

Pride and Prejudice, by Jane Austen

Yeah, I know. This one is a little cliche. But I do love it. I love Lizzie’s wit and Darcy’s extreme social awkwardness (I get it, mate, I do). This is a such a fun book, whilst having some really pointed things to say about the roles of love and respect in relationships.

Weirdly though, and here’s a confession, despite being a longstanding all time favourite book, it’s not actually my favourite book by Jane Austen. For that, you need to look to Persuasion.

The Book Thief, by Markus Zusak

“I have hated the words, and I have loved them. And I hope I have made them right.”

Just… just beautiful.

As a reader and a writer, this book speaks straight to my soul. And, like many of the other books on this list, it makes me glad to be alive.

Anne of Green Gables, L. M. Montgomery

Oh, that Anne-girl! I love her dearly. This book is an old friend and re-reading it is like a portal back into childhood. Although, admittedly, when I was a child, I wasn’t much interested in it. I am now, though. I am now!

A Tale of Two Cities, by Charles Dickens

I’ve only read this book once (so far), but it stands out in my memory it so many ways. I love Dickens’s descriptions, I love his use of simile and metaphor, and I love what he has to say about trauma, courage, love and family.

Seriously, people far more qualified than I am have commented on and analysed how spot on his depiction of trauma and PTSD was, at a time when neither were really recognised as being things - especially not for men, so I won’t go into it myself. But this is an amazing book and I love it.

The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society, by Mary Ann Shaffer and Annie Barrows

I have not read many novels in letters, which is what this is. I tend to find myself struggling with the tonal shifts and character switches. I did not have that problem here. Instead, the characters - even ones who never write their own letters - feel vibrant and real, each voice adding to the story that’s unfolding.

This novel is beautifully written, and is simultaneously a love letter to books and a heartbreaking/heartwarming look at life during the Second World War - particularly in the only part of the British Isles to fall under German occupation, Guernsey.

It’s a wonderful tale of love, friendship, grief and moving forward in the face of immense tragedy. I can not recommend it highly enough.

The Tenant of Wildfell Hall, by Anne Bronte

Controversial opinion time: as much as I enjoy Wuthering Heights and Jane Eyre, I can sometimes find them to be overrated, certainly misunderstood. The Tenant of Wildfell Hall, though, I believe to be criminally underrated.

Drawing on her experiences as a governess, Anne Bronte shone a spotlight on a massive problem within her society: the abuse of wives by their husbands. She even accurately portrayed how abusive behaviours are taught and passed down through the generations, showing that it takes willful intervention to break the cycle. As you can imagine, it did not go over well.

I love it. I love Anne’s bravery in looking at this topic, and I adore her heroine, Helen.

The Princess Saves Herself in this One, Amanda Lovelace

If that title doesn’t get your attention, I don’t know what will.

This is the first in a trilogy of poetry collections by Lovelace all with similar anti-fairytale style titles. Sadly, I have not yet been able to read the second and third. This one, though, I adore.

Through her poetry, one can trace a story of pain and grief and strength and hope. It connects with my heart, and helps me find the words to express myself as well.

The Dark Between Stars, by Atticus

This is the second in a trilogy of poetry by Atticus. The third book is coming out in a couple of months and I am so excited. Atticus’s poetry is so beautiful, so elegant, and is a wonderful celebration of the small, beautiful things. I love curling up with this book and a hot chocolate after a stressful day or week or month.

A Monster Calls, by Patrick Ness

This was the book that got me started on Patrick Ness. This is also the book that really opened my eyes to how creatively writers can explore grief and loss through their novels. It’s beautiful and poignant and caring. This is a novel that has helped to shape not only my understanding of grief, but also my understanding of what I can do in my own writing.

So amazing.

Honourable mentions

So, these are my top 10 books of all time. It was really hard to settle on just ten books, with what book I would include as my 10th changing constantly. So, here are some honourable mentions.

• Dracula, by Bram Stoker

• Never Let Me Go, by Kazuo Ishiguro

• Seven Little Australians, by Ethel Turner

• Little Women, by Louisa May Alcott

Given that I will probably talk about all of these in future posts, I won’t expand on it here.

Over to You

What are some of your favourite books?

Have you read any of the books on this list? If so, what did you think?

Please let me know in the comments below!

Honeybee Hearts and Baking

“And now for one moment, maybe two, sheltered by the holly, which also pricks my thighs, I forget where I am. Forget the house that doesn’t feel like home yet, and the hectic work schedule. This is when the idea arrives. Here is where the bees would be, I think, and then catch myself thinking it.”

— Helen Jukes

A Honeybee Heart has Five Openings

By Helen Jukes

This book caught my attention back in December, and I was immediately interested in getting my hands on a copy and reading it. So, when I joined a book club a couple of months ago and was asked to nominate a book, I did not hesitate to put this one forward. And it was accepted! Now I had an excuse to order myself a copy and spend a day reading it. Yay!

Why this book?

I have had a growing interest in bees - honeybees in particular - for a while now. I guess the start of my awareness of bees and their importance to our ecosystem was The Bee Movie (cue the horrified screaming).

But that was several years ago. So when a swarm of bees settled themselves into the walls of my sharehouse in Wollongong back in 2017, I knew very little more than that they were pollinators and endangered.

Of course, we couldn’t leave them to build their hive in the walls of the house. Although, maybe it would have been cool to knock down the wall of my bedroom a year later and just grab some honey. Still, it’s not really good for the house. So we called a beekeeper. Who immediately came and killed all the bees. Which was devastating - they weren’t harming anyone! They just couldn’t be where they were.

Anyway, that was when I knew I wanted to learn more about bees. But I had no idea where to start and I was too unwell to look into it without any kind of guidance. So, I set it to one side and figured I could come back to it at a later date.

Which brings us to last December. My mother and I were road-tripping to Coober Pedy and we stopped in Adelaide for a few days. While there, we - naturally - visited Dymocks. Whilst browsing the shelves, I came across this book and was intrigued, but unable to purchase it at that point in time. So I snapped a photo on my phone and continued hunting for other books to add to my list. Because that is all I do. If you follow me on Goodreads, you’ll probably see that.

I then forgot about it for a few months. Then in May, just a week or two before the opportunity came up to join the book club and nominate a book, I came across the photo in my phone, look up the book and decided I had to read it.

The rest, as they say, is history.

What is the book about?

This book is an autobiographical year-in-the-life. Helen Jukes, an English writer, shares very personally about her first year in Oxford, which became her first year of beekeeping.

She breaks the book down into the different stage of beekeeping over that year, and then further into each month. This means it is clear and straightforward to follow the progression from her first thought about getting bees, her research into the history of bees and beekeeping all the way through to the end of the first twelve months and her first honey harvest.

My thoughts on the book

I loved this book! Which is, of course, why I chose it for the inaugural post of this section of the blog.

Helen Jukes’s writing was clear, straightforward and elegant. I found myself absorbed in her world and her excitement and fascination with honeybees. Whilst this book is technically an autobiography, it felt more like reading a love letter. Her passion and love were all on display, and it was hard not to get caught up in her joys and her disappointments.

As well as being incredibly personal, this book was overflowing with information about bees and the history of their relationship with humans. Here, Jukes’s strengths as a writer and communicator really shone through, as with another writer, this may have veered into the tedious. Instead, Jukes remained clear and engaging throughout, and instead of growing bored, I found my own interest and fascination with honeybees growing. I am also incredibly grateful for the books she references - I now know where to go to keep learning about these amazing little creatures!

I also found that, for me, reading as a Christian, it was such an amazing encouragement to slow down and watch God’s creation more closely, more carefully, instead of acknowledging it from a distance and moving on. Jukes herself is not religious, but I still found her reflections on nature to be edifying.

In short, this book was engaging, personal and informative, and I strongly encourage people read it. If only to learn a little more about these tiny, but vital, animals.

How this book affected me

I personally don’t believe there’s much point in reading if what you are reading isn’t influencing your life in some way or another. Sometimes, it’s emotionally, as a book helps you process or understand your emotions more. Sometimes, it’s mentally as you learn and your thinking evolves. Sometimes, it’s practically. That was the case with this book.

After the incident with the swarm of bees at my home, I became curious about the role of beekeepers. This book was eye-opening and increased my interest further. I am no longer satisfied with simply reading about bees and beekeeping. So, I reached out to my local Amateur Beekeeping Association to ask some questions, and to see if I can attend a meeting or two. They responded and said I would be very welcome! Sadly, I don’t think it will be possible for me to attend this month’s meeting, as it is the day after my book launch (Amidst the Ash, coming July 13). I suspect that I will be in desperate need of some rest that day, and probably for a few days afterwards. Still, I am hopeful that I may be able to attend next months meeting. If things go well, I may even be able to start getting involved with beekeeping by helping out with caring for their hives.

I am extremely excited for this opportunity. Who knows? Maybe one day I’ll be able to keep a hive or two myself!

This book also grew my appreciation not only of bees, but also of honey. Seriously - honey is incredible! And, as with bees, I now want to learn so much more about it. I am also starting to use it more in my food and my teas. Mostly my chai.

At the end of the book, after Jukes and her friends have harvested the honey, she makes a honey cake. Which, naturally, made me start craving honey cake. So, I jumped onto my trusty old Pinterest and found this recipe. I’m pretty sure it’s not the cake that Jukes made, but it scratched where I itched and was delicious! I fully intend to make it again!

Did you know…

Honeybees have undertaker bees? According to Jukes, one of the many roles that worker bees can fill over the course of their life is that of undertaker. And yes, it’s exactly what it sounds like! Their job is to take care of the dead. When a bee dies inside the hive, the undertakers make sure that the body is taken outside and moved a safe distance away from the colony.

Isn’t that so cool??

The Compassion of God

Have you ever had a panic attack?

They’re awful!

In my experience, they feel pretty much exactly how a heart attack is supposed to feel – you think you’re going to die.  You can barely breathe, you can feel every painful heartbeat, and you want to vomit.  And, unless you hyperventilate, the people around you are unlikely to realise it’s happening.

So, I had that going on.

Then there was the depression.  You know, that not-so-little voice that tells you that you’re worthless?  That there’s nothing worth doing or living for?  Yeah, that was around. It sucked.

You’d think that was enough, yeah?

Oh no, no, no.

Have some CHRONIC FATIGUE!

So, now I have depression saying “You’re worthless – die!” and anxiety saying “Come on, do better, let’s go, you’re gonna fail!” and then chronic fatigue being like “Ha! You thought you were going to get out of bed today? Cute.”

Naturally, I had some questions for God.  By this stage, I knew God was good.  I knew God was faithful.  The question that was now festering in my brain was “Do you care, God?  Like, at all?  About me, as a person, not just as a sinner in need of saving.”

After a few months of struggling with this and apparently coming up with nothing, I did what I always do when I need to express myself and be heard – I took to the internet and blogged.

A couple of days later, a message showed up in my inbox from a friend.  It didn’t have much in it, just these verses from Psalm 103:13-14:

As a father has compassion on his children,
So the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him;
for He knows how we are formed,
He remembers that we are dust.
Psalm 103: 13 - 14

So, here it was the first piece of the answer that God was, and still is, giving me.

Yes, God cares.  Or at least He knows what I’m made of.  He doesn’t expect me to be Wonder Woman, and He’s not going to punish me for not being well.

It was some time later (I don’t remember how long) that the second – and largest – piece arrived.

Now, there’s a way of reading Bible passages called Imaginative Contemplation, and that’s what I decided to do with this one.

So, a quick explanation of Imaginative Contemplation.  When you read a story you imagine yourself in it as a character, seeing the story unfold or having the story happen to you, and you use that to notice things that God may be trying to say to you.

On to the story.

Elijah was a prophet, which means he had the tough job of going to people who were disobeying God and being like “Yo, pull yourselves together, do the right thing!”  Which, as you can imagine, was not winning him any popularity contests,

Anyway, there was a long-standing rivalry between Elijah and the prophets of Baal, who was a false god.  It all came to a head in 1 Kings 18, with Elijah challenging Baal to a contest on behalf of God.  Which God won.  Rather spectacularly.

Jezebel, however, was kind of ticked off about all of this and threatened to kill Elijah.  And she actually would have done so.  How did Elijah react?

Elijah was afraid and ran for his life. When he came to Beersheba in Judah, he left his servant there, while he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness. He came to a broom bush, sat down under it and prayed that he might die. “I have had enough, Lord,” he said. “Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors.”
1 Kings 19: 3 - 4

“and prayed that he might die”

Those words hit hard.  ‘Cause I’ve been there.  I’ve prayed that I might die.  It’s a really, really awful place to be.  I’m certain - and saddened – that some of you know what that feels like too.

So how does God respond to Elijah’s death wish?  Does He smite him with all His smiteyness?  Let’s have a look, huh?

Then He lay down under the bush and fell asleep.
All at once an angel touched him and said, “Get up and eat.” He looked around, and there by his head was some bread baked over hot coals, and a jar of water. He ate and drank and then lay down again.
1 Kings 19: 5 - 6

Oh, oh wow…He didn’t get angry with Elijah.  He didn’t split open the heavens and start screaming “How could you?!  What are you thinking?!”

No, He let Elijah sleep.  Then He provided food and drink, encouraged him to eat, then let him sleep again.

The angel of the Lord came back a second time and touched him and said, “Get up and eat, for the journey is too much for you.” So he got up and ate and drank. Strengthened by that food, he travelled forty days and forty nights until he reached Horeb, the mountain of God.
1 Kings 19:7 - 8

Then, after Elijah has had another sleep, God wakes him up again.  And says, essentially, “I know this is all too much for you.  Have some more food.”

So Elijah does, and then he’s ready to keep going.

And you know, what struck me about that was that God’s response was one of care.  It wasn’t just “Ugh, I’m a faithful God so I’ll stick by you” or “I’m a good God so I’ll be good to you.”  No, it’s such a loving, understanding response.

It’s a simple “I know this is hard, I know you’re overwhelmed, so I’m going to take care of you.  Get some sleep, eat some food, stay hydrated.”

You know, it wasn’t until I was trying to figure out what I would say to you all today that I picked up on a particular word in the Psalm I mentioned earlier.

That word is “compassion.”

“God has compassion…”

Compassion is defined as “concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others.”

And it comes from the Latin word “compati” which means “to suffer with.”

Put these things together, and here in Psalm 103, we are directly told that God cares about us and our suffering.  He is affected by it, He is moved by it.

And in the story of Elijah in 1 Kings 19, we get a demonstration of that compassion at work in the face of Elijah’s overwhelming “please God, just let me die” suffering.

So here’s where I’m at now, and here’s what I want you to take away from this:

My life looks nothing like I thought it would.  I have anxiety, depression, and chronic fatigue.  And quite frankly, it sucks.

But I’m not alone in it. God has compassion – He knows.  More importantly, He cares.

He cares for me in my suffering.  And He cares for you in yours. 

We may not always see it, we may not always feel it, but He always, always cares.

Self Care: Why it's important and why I'm talking about it

Self care seems to be all the rage these days, with so many people talking about it and posting about it. So, why am I? Am I simply jumping on the bandwagon?

Well, maybe. But I wouldn’t be if I didn’t think that self care is vitally important, and that it is something that needs to be discussed.

So, why do I think self care is important?

Well, for a number of reasons: practical, personal and - believe it or not - Biblical. Let’s take a look at these, huh?

Practical

It is, quite frankly, impractical for people to not look after themselves. Not looking after ourselves, especially in a society that tends to measure our value by our productivity, is a surefire path to burn out.

And burn out sucks!

Still, we generally aren’t taught how to effectively look after ourselves, or even why it’s important. And I want to start doing something to change that.

I want to challenge people to thing about how they can be looking after themselves and to begin practicing regular self care.

Personal

On a personal level, I have a good deal of experience dealing with burn out, mental health issues, chronic illness and a long - and ongoing - struggle to learn how to look after myself.

Now, after probably 10 years of struggling with depression and anxiety, and three years with chronic fatigue, and maybe two years of actively learning how to look after myself, I’ve realised just how important self care is. And how dangerous it is to ignore it.

And the better I get at self care, the more I realise just how bad other people are at it. And it frightens me.

A lack of self care probably won’t result in chronic fatigue syndrome, but it can definitely contribute o teh development of anxiety and depression.And I don’t want that for anyone.

Hence how important this blog is to me.

Biblical

This portion is more directed at my Christian readers, although I hope that my readers who do not believe in the Christian God will also read it.

I think that we, as Christians, are particularly bad at self care, and I think it comes from the notion that to be a Christian we must be serving. And serving often means doing, and putting other people’s needs before our own, all the time.

And I have come to believe that this is an incredibly unhealthy and unbiblical attitude. This post is not the place to go into it, but there will be future posts expanding on this and looking at what I think the Bible, and thereby God, has to say about self care.

I hope that in so doing, I can help challenge my Christian brothers and sisters to think about their attitudes towards ministry and self care, and help demonstrate that God is not the hard taskmaster He may often appear to people.

Until next time!